Friday, January 13, 2012

Truths learned from Mr. Murphy...

     I've always been a firm believer in Murphy's Law. Maybe I'm just cynical due to my job as a cop for the last 20 years or maybe it's the fact that I get it honest as a Hewitt...For those of you that know my Dad or knew my grandpa, you know what exactly I mean. I've seen more than my fair share of Murph and my time in the woods hasn't been immune. If it can go wrong, it will, at least when it comes to me and hunting and fishing. Sometimes my stupidity in the outdoors is only challenged by my ignorance or lack of preparation! The upside, I usually only do something extremely stupid once and I tend to be a quick learner from all my mishaps. The mistakes have been a good teacher and their lessons have been taken to heart! (and other body parts as well!)

     NEVER wear wool pants without long underwear unless you enjoy itching and 
     chaffing of the "region"...
     ALWAYS carry a flashlight...one that works is preferred. Darkness is 
     creepy!
      NEVER lay your knife down in the leaves unless you want to buy a new one!
     ALWAYS carry a second knife...SEE ABOVE!
     NEVER drive to your hunting spot and leave you bow or gun at home!
     ALWAYS take your bow or gun with you when you go hunting! Embarrassed to
     admit how many times I've made it into my treestand and my bow was back in
     the truck...
     ALWAYS have your ammo or arrows with you...bows are much more effective
     when you have something to shoot out of them and guns do better with bullets!
     NEVER drop your bow from your treestand while you are napping...
     NEVER drop your arrows from your treestand while you are napping...
     ALWAYS wear boots that fit unless you enjoy your heels looking like raw bacon
     ALWAYS keep your knife blade pointed away from you. 
     ALWAYS hold your lacerated hand above your heart to slow the loss of blood
     from not pointing your knife blade away from you.
     ALWAYS have some sort of clothing that you don't care to cut into shreds of
     make shift bandages to stop arterial bleeding! SEE ABOVE...
     NEVER pass out after stabbing yourself while field dressing a deer!
     SEE ABOVE AGAIN!
     ALWAYS understand that you will cut yourself sooner or later...
     ALWAYS make sure that you get your hip waders completely removed when
     nature calls during a duck hunt...
     ALWAYS know that the mud will suck your boots or hip waders off your feet!
     ALWAYS assume you will fall, trip, roll and flounce around on the ground in
     the mud.
     ALWAYS assume you will fall, trip, roll and flounce around on the ground in
     the snow.
     ALWAYS assume you will fall, trip, roll and flounce around on perfectly dry,
     level ground for no apparent reason.
     ALWAYS jump to your feet after falling, tripping, rolling, and flouncing 
     around to see if anyone else saw you!
     ALWAYS unplug the mud out of your gun barrel after falling, tripping,
     rolling and flouncing around!
     NEVER turkey hunt during a tornado warning...(Even more stupid than normal)
     ALWAYS assume you are still allergic to poison ivy.
     ALWAYS assume that everything with leaves and vines is poison ivy!
     ALWAYS be able to identify poison ivy leaves when nature calls! 
     NEVER rub your eyes after touching what appears to be poison ivy! 
     NEVER rub any other body part after touching poison ivy!!!
     ALWAYS take your allergy meds before tromping through fields of wild 
     mustard and ragweed.
     NEVER drink NyQuil as a substitute for allergy meds before tromping through
     a field full of ragweed.
     ALWAYS check the batteries in your camera if you plan to take a photo.
     ALWAYS take a camera if you plan on taking a photo!
     ALWAYS come to full draw on your bow if you'd like the arrow to reach its
     intended target!
     ALWAYS assume that there are rogue tree limbs in your arrow's path!
     ALWAYS assume your broadheads are sharp and will slice you open.
     NEVER assume your cell phone won't ring at the moment of truth!
     ALWAYS wear socks with enough life left in the elastic to hold them up while
     walking!
     ALWAYS wear underwear with enough life left in the elastic to hold them up
     while walking!!! (Goes double for long johns!)
     NEVER assume that you won't spill Doe In Heat, Buck Urine, or Fox Cover
     Scent inside your truck...
     NEVER assume that a dome light left on inside your truck all day won't drain
     the truck's battery dead.
     NEVER assume that just because you are a Conservation Law major in college
     and a perceived outdoors type, you'll never get lost in the woods!
     NEVER assume that rail road tracks in Sullivan County, Indiana will take you
     where you think they will...
     ALWAYS assume that the guy in front of you on the trail is a jerk and will
     put tension on a baseball bat sized limb so that it flies back and hits you in
     the junk!
     ALWAYS assume that writhing around in pain after a shot to the boys  
     while lying in the middle of a log jam choked with briars will result in cuts
     and bruises...
     ALWAYS assume that the 'coon dog you are listening too is at least two
     ridges and two miles away.
     ALWAYS assume that being home by midnight during a 'coon hunt means 3am.
     ALWAYS assume all 'coon dogs and beagles chase deer!
     ALWAYS realize that sliding down a shagbark hickory will result in injury!
     NEVER assume that a 3" diameter cedar tree can carry the weight of an
     averaged size adult male...
     NEVER assume that there aren't chiggers in high grass!

     ALWAYS assume chiggers will congregate around your crotch!
     NEVER assume that leaving a tick's head behind won't result in some weird
     illness with a high fever!
     NEVER remove your contact lens in your treestand!
     ALWAYS carry a small bottle of saline solution...
     NEVER assume that placing your soft lens in your mouth for cleaning is a good
     idea!
     NEVER leave your catfish pole unattended on the riverbank!
     NEVER assume a bluegill can't pull a fishing rod into the water!
     ALWAYS assume that the water is deeper than it looks.
     ALWAYS understand that no boots are waterproof!!!
     ALWAYS assume that rain gear is "water repellent".
     ALWAYS assume that burrs and "stick tights" will be your constant hunting
     season companion.
     ALWAYS pick burrs off clothes before coming into house.
     ALWAYS assume you will never pick all burrs and stick tights off...
     ALWAYS assume that locust thorns hurt like hell!
     ALWAYS assume that the weird boil on your skin is from a locust tree thorn.
     ALWAYS assume that the weird boil on your skin is from a spider bite.
     NEVER wait a week before seeing a Doc about the weird boil on your arm...


     The list could go on and on...Yep, Mr. Murphy and I are well acquainted. If I were less of a man, I might let him beat me. But, there are those few days when I get one up on Mr. Murphy and everything falls in my favor and that's when being out there and experiencing it all is worth the price...and it might even leave me with a story to tell.